Hell on Wheels

I thought this op-ed piece in the New York Times was pretty funny and true...

Op-Ed Contributor
Hell on Wheels
By SETH STEVENSON
Published: December 20, 2007

YOU’D rather not think about it — and you never, ever talk about it — but you and I both know that you’ve run over feet.

You can rationalize. (The airport concourse was crowded. You were distracted, looking up at the departures board.) But come clean. You know it’s happening. You can feel your rolling suitcase treating a stranger’s ankle as a speed bump. You can hear the swallowed yelp of pain.

And do you apologize? You might mumble “sorry” over a shoulder. But you never break stride. Instead, you steer into the Chili’s next to your gate, your bag clipping a waitress’s shin as you wheel to the bar. (Go ahead, drown your guilt in that frozen margarita. It won’t cure her limp.)

Aboard the plane, the wanton destruction continues. For the central fallacy of the wheeled luggage trend is that your suitcase will roll smoothly up the aisle in coach. Lie!

Your bag lurches along, catching on seat handles, bumping knees and elbows. You pull harder when it gives resistance. You pull harder still. And you look back to see your bag scraping against the thigh of an obese seated passenger. His haunch has spilled into the aisle to meet the wrath of your ballistic nylon.

When you at last reach your seat, do you gracefully collapse your telescoping handle and lightly tuck your bag in the overhead compartment? No, your handle jams, holding up the line behind you. And your bag won’t fit because all the other bags up there also have huge, jutting wheels.

Plus — particularly if you are a petite, elderly woman (a demographic I am in most cases quite fond of, I promise you) — you sometimes can’t lift your bag at all. This is because those wheels have freed you from having to rely on your own muscle power, or a hired valet. You’re encouraged to over-pack to such a degree that you can no longer move your bag without wheels. So you stagger weakly under its weight until (if I see you) I assist you with it or (if I don’t) you drop it on my head — bludgeoning me with 70 pounds of toiletries.

People, you never need more clothes than you can comfortably carry in a shoulder bag. Soldiers in ’Nam got by with less gear than the average executive now packs for a two-day trip. Unless you are a deep-sea diver or, maybe, an iron-ore salesman, your luggage really shouldn’t necessitate load-bearing wheels.

Also: aesthetics. Your dorky rolling bag doesn’t say, “I’m embarking on a voyage.” It says, “I’m going to a conference in Cleveland.” And maybe you are, but you don’t have advertise it. The swashbuckling adventurer hoists a leather rucksack, or a battered canvas duffel. He doesn’t tug his bag behind him on a leash like a stubborn and especially boring pet.

It’s easy to see the appeal of wheeled luggage, of course. It eases our burdens and lifts the weight off our shoulders. It keeps our neatly pressed jackets un-mussed. But rolling bags are really functional only for the type of journey that goes taxi-airport-taxi-hotel-shuttle bus-convention center. Outside this comfortable circuit, they’re often useless.

I’ve been traveling a lot recently, in countries ranging from developed to less developed to dear Lord, is that a monkey attacking a naked child? In harsher conditions, a dainty rolling bag is absurdly out of place. It’s no fun rolling those wheels across a “street” that’s just a rain-soaked blotch of mud. Or bouncing them up the stairs of a packed train station. Or dragging them through a marketplace where puddles are indeed full of fish and goat entrails. (Enjoy that pungent odor when your bag is back in your room.)

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not trying to eliminate rolling bags altogether. I’m just trying to halt their unchecked proliferation. Perhaps we should regard them with the same mild disapproval that greets that fur coat your mom inherited. She won’t throw it away, but she is a bit uneasy about wearing it in public.

This will all become moot, of course, with the advent of the levitating suitcase, an invention that can’t be far off. When it arrives, we’ll immediately go gaga for it. And soon after, I’m sure, your bag will be levitating swiftly and directly into my groin.

I await your mumbled apology.

radio stars

 

It’s always just a matter of time until I find myself in front of a microphone again…this time it was not just a microphone but an entire insulated recording studio at Jiangsu Province Radio, where my friend Will and I spent some quality hours recording educational tapes and tests (just the latest in the series of odd part-time jobs that give texture to my life in Nanjing).
I wrote down a couple of my favorite dialogues. I feel I am really contributing to the world’s store of knowledge by lending my voice to these gems of wisdom. We had to do this straight, with no laughing, which is surprisingly difficult. Try it yourself at home.

A: What did you do this weekend?
B: I pulled up carrots. And you?
A: I was milking a cow.

A: What happened to Michael? He used to have the hairiest legs in town.
B: His coach shaved him.

A: If I don’t sleep soon, I will make your dog disappear from the world!
B: Are you saying you will kill my dog?
A: That’s possible.

There was also a lengthy dialogue involving a boy named Tommy Bush, and a monologue about how “Americans are all very wasteful. As a people, they destroy many things that others would save.” Another monologue described a typical meal in an American home, during which “the wife typically prepares the food while the husband enjoys cocktails. After the meal, the wife typically clears the dishes.” And finally, for the younger crowd of English learners, a series of bizarre one-liners, such as “I prefer puppets,” and “this monkey is for your sister.”
I don’t think they noticed that I was digging my own fingernails into my own flesh under the table to keep from laughing (which didn’t always work—we had to halt production a couple of times when I lost it and snorted hysterically into the microphone.) But we got it done, and had fun along the way. And Will even earned a new nickname: he will forever be Tommy Bush to me.

Fun in Nanjing

I finally brushed the cobwebs off my camera and took it for a spin last night--here are some pictures from a birthday party for 5 of my friends: Will, David, Wang Dong, Yun Feng and Wang Fei. The party had all the basic elements: cheeseburgers grilled on a tiny hibachi on Will's balcony; some home-made Chinese food; a cake with a dragon on it; and some spectacular karaoke singing. Happy birthday, 朋友们!

 

Mom's trip to China

Pics from my recent travels with my mom: the trip was FANTASTIC, and a much-needed reminder to take more frequent breaks from the city! We went down to my former home in Hunan Province to visit my old student and teacher friends, and spent a few days in beautiful Zhangjiajie national park before ending the trip in style with a couple of days in Shanghai.

 

 

 

 

my school

Wow, I have been really delinquent about blogging! The days are flying by...here are some pictures of my university, Nanjing Shifan Daxue (Nanjing Normal University). It has a reputation for having one of the most beautiful campuses in Asia. These are some of the main teaching buildings, and also the front gate, where I buy my warm soy milk in the morning on my way to class. Classes start at eight o'clock sharp every morning, and go until 12. After four hours of learning Chinese, my head is usually swimming. But it's cool, I'm starting to think and dream in a bizarre bastardized Chinglish!
I'm going to try to be better about blogging, but I probably won't be as active as I was in Hunan...I miss having time to take pictures and write about my days...there's a vacation coming up next week, and my mom is coming out to travel around with me. I'm taking her to Hunan to see my old stomping grounds, so stay tuned for Xintang: The Return.

You don't work, you don't eat

Lately I feel like one of those depression-era guys who go down to the docks every morning, hoping that there will be some work available that day so I can bring some cabbage home for supper...
No, it's not that bad, but this period of waiting for classes to start has been full of various odd jobs that I've picked up as a result of meeting random people in the city. So far, I've done the voice recording for an answering service at a translation company (if you call this company, you'll hear my mellifluous voice saying, "If you know your party's extension, please press 800," etc.), proof-reading a long term paper on venture capitalism in China, and writing an upcoming restaurant review for a website targeting foreign students in Nanjing. In addition to all that, I've been working every week at an English club for adults, facilitating discussions. That job is my favorite. The club members specifically request controversial discussion topics, so I think I'm going to learn a lot from them in the coming months. I asked what kind of topics they want to discuss, and one guy said, "We want to talk about things that will make our hearts run fast." I am SO going to get in trouble for this. I swore when I came to China that I would avoid getting into dangerous waters (I assiduously avoid such topics in this blog, in case you haven't noticed--believe me, there is a lot that I wish I could say in these pages...) Last night we talked about gay marriage. I'm still trying to shy away from the Big D and the Three T's (you can guess what those are).
My classes start on Monday, so I won't be seeking out as many odd jobs, because there's a lot on my plate right now: my Chinese classes, VIA work, GRE preparations, grad school applications, and part-time jobs to put cabbage on the table. Aiyo...

As compensation, the goats' family members will receive a complimentary upgrade to business class on their next flight

This just in from our news desk in Nepal:
Those who read last year's blog might recall that back in May I got stranded in Kathmandu for 3 extra days, missing work (but was I really "missing" it?) because Nepal Airline's fleet of two vintage 757's was grounded by technical problems. Apparently the airline has finally, after several months, discovered the solution to these enduring mechanical mishaps...

NAC sacrifices goats to fix technical snag

KATHMANDU, Sept 3 - Nepal Airlines Corporation (NAC) failed to rid itself of the recurring technical problem in its Boeing-757 aircraft, despite its engineering department's untiring efforts.

But believe it or not, Chief of NAC engineering department, PBS Kansakar found the root cause of the problem in his dream last night: God was angry as the corporation had not appeased him by sacrificing goats.

Then, the corporation Sunday decided to worship Lord Bhairavnath, and sacrificed two goats-- one black and another white-so that all would be well with its aircraft.

The sacrifice was offered at NAC's hanger at the Tribhuvan International Airport (TIA) at around 3:45 pm. NAC top bosses, including Managing Director Gautam Das Shrestha were present to offer worship and goat blood to the deity, said an NAC official. "The decision to sacrifice was made after Kansakar consulted with the top management this morning."

The NAC aircraft whose flights had often been cancelled was again grounded last night after its two attempted flights to Hong Kong failed due to repetition of the problem in the anti-ice device.